When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
