I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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