Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
