Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
