1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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