Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
