well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
