we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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