No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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