my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
