The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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