one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
they're like a gay fantastic four
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
