So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
