Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
