I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
