I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
