Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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