Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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