i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
