I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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