I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Are my feet made of real feet?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
