I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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