at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
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so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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