proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
