Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
