i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
