yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
