Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
