From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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