I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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