I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
