help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
