So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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