got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
