I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
