i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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