Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
