I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
