Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
