Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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