I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
