i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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