I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
