Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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