i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
