that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
