I feel like abortions should bother me more
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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