Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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