my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
