I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
