What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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