I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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