Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
