We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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