THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
